JOEKS

Had a dream, I said.

‘Bout who? He said.

‘Bout B.I.G., I said.

That’s big, He said.

That’s not a very good joke, I said.

Spoiler: The winner is you!

Your brain’s been cobbled together over millions of years of blind evolution and it shows. You’re clumsy, stupid, weak and motivated by the basest of urges. Your MO is both grotesquely selfish and unquestionably deferential to questionable authority. You’re not in control of your life. You wear your ignorance like a badge of honor and gleefully submit to oppression, malfeasance and kleptocracy. You will buy anything. You will believe anything. You believe that evolution is a matter of belief. You likely scrolled down to #1, without reading the rest, because you’re an impatient, semi-literate Philistine who’s either unable or unwilling to digest more than 140 characters at a time. You think Epic Beard Man is a national hero and that Bradley Manning might be Eli and Peyton’s brother. You believe in American exceptionalism despite the contrary, compelling and overwhelming evidence. You tacitly partake in all manner of atrocity without batting a lash. You’re actively participating in our species’ extinction and you’re either in denial or you just don’t give a shit. You escape into every sort of mind-numbing distraction and ridiculous, convoluted fantasy, so you don’t have to face the bitter, terrifying fact that your life is utterly meaningless.

Via.

fffffffffffffffffffffffffff

OK, well, honestly I’m still working on the wealth thing. And when I say “taste” what I mean is that I still laugh really hard at fart jokes. So.

Frank Black: Hey guys. So, I’ve got this great idea for a song but it needs a hook. The second line of the song is “drive my car into the ocean”, so I’m thinking something with waves. Something simple, like, “wave of blank”. We just need to fill in the blank.

Joey Santiago: Like, “wave of sea”?

Frank Black: Like that, but with more syllables. Also it shouldn’t literally be a water wave. 

Joey Santiago: OK. How about, “wave of ejaculation?”

Frank Black: See… I like that, I do. But, we’re not that kind of band.

Joey Santiago: Are you fuckin’ kidding me?! Kim wrote a whole song about big black dicks.

Kim Deal: Not big black dicks in general! Just one dick, which was big and black. 

What about “wave of mutual adoration?”

Frank Black: What? No! The opposite of that.

David Lovering: “Wave of mutual masturbation?”

Frank Black: OK, no. For so many reasons.

You know what? I’m gonna go with “wave of mutilation”. I just thought that up while you guys were busy being morons.

I said this on twitter, and I stand by it.

Thanks, bro. You’re really doing us all a service, and under no circumstances are you a pretentious, self-impressed dipshit who thinks we’re all oppressed because we have to work five days a week to get two off.

There is a room in your house. You don’t know why it’s there, or who put it there, just that it’s been there all along and you didn’t ask for it. It’s not a very pleasant place to be — everyone in there is always yelling. Despite its unpleasantness, this room is after all a part of your house, and so you feel an obligation to peek your head in the door every once in a while. When you do, the people in the room all try to make you angry about something. It’s strange, because why would anyone want to go through their life angry if they don’t have to?

The other day you were gonna get a bowl of cereal, but from the outside things seemed really rowdy in there, so you figured you should check in. From what you could tell in between all the shouting, some lady got shot in the back of the head.

Keep screaming at each other and that’s bound to happen, you think.

Your house has been on fire for the last 30 years or so, but what’s the big deal? Plus, you fix that and pretty soon you’ll be fixing the foundation too. And what do you look like, some kind of sucker?